He was short and fat, and rode out of the West
With a Mogen David on his silver vest
He was mean and nasty right clear through
Which was kinda weird, 'cause he was yellow too.

They called him Irving
Big Irving
Big, short Irving
Big, short, fat Irving
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

He came from the old Bar Mitzvah spread,
With a 10-gallon yarmulke on his head
He always followed his mother's wishes
Even on the range he used two sets of dishes.

Irving
Big, fat Irving
Big sissy Irving
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

A hundred and forty-one could draw faster than he
But Irving was looking for one forty-three

Walked into Sol's Saloon like a man insane
And ordered three fingers of two cents plain.

Irving
Big, fat Irving
Big sport Irving
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

One day Bad Max happened into town
His aim was to shoot fat Irving down
Bad Max said, "Draw, and draw right now!"
And Irving drew, drew a picture of a cow.

Irving
Big, fat Irving
Big gunfighter Irving
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

The James Boys was coming on a train at first sun
And the town said, "Irving, we need your gun."

When that train pulled in at the break of dawn

Irving's gun was there, but Irving was gone.

Irving
Big, fat Irving
Big help, Irving
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

Well, finally Irving got three slugs in the belly
It was right outside the Frontier Deli
He was sitting there twirling his gun around
And butterfingers Irving gunned himself down!

Irving
Big, fat Irving
Big dum-dum Irving
Big dum-dum DEAD Irving
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

Really!

I would like to give you a little history on the song "Ballad Of Irving". It was originally released in 1966 on the album "When You're In Love, The Whole World Is Jewish" on Kapp Records. The line about the 10-gallon yarmulke was on the original LP, but the single version and subsequent LP pressings substituted the line: Schlepping a salami and pumpernickel bread. This substitution was made because the record company felt the joke would be lost on non-Jewish listeners.

Back in 1966 a good friend of mine, who was Jewish, gave me the LP album as a gift for my children. He thought they would enjoy the song, which they did. He has since passed, and I added the song to my website for my children, who are now adults. The song brought back many good laughs and fond memories of our friend. 

~ StinaLisa ~